Inner beauty vs Outer beauty. Is it one or the other?

I like clothes. I like make up. I like doing my nails.


In doing this experiment of Project 3:11, this shopping fast, this is one aspect I keep thinking about. I like all that stuff - is that wrong? 


Consider 1 Peter 3 -


'Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.'


I think a lot of people look at that verse and feel like its telling us to not think about those things, about 'adornment'. And so either we feel guilty because we took half an hour to do our hair this morning, or we feel high and mighty and decide other people should feel guilty because of the colour of their lipstick or number of shoes in their closet.


But something to notice about that verse is that Peter is not actually saying 'Don't wear nice clothes' or 'you're a sinful, vain person if you like jewellery.' 


He says your beauty should not come from those things. Don't focus on the outward appearance as the source of your beauty, as the thing you value most highly in being a woman. Your beauty 'should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.'


The emphasis here is more on what values you adhere to. In his time, women braided their hair ornately and this is what he was referring to - are you just doing that to your hair because it's fashion, because you are thinking about how others will view it, because you are wanting to fit in with what the world thinks is beautiful?


It is ok to like clothes, to like dressing nicely. It's ok to like physical beauty. I mean, look at the world. Look at a sunset sky - I think it's safe to say God doesn't hate things looking beautiful!


Even when the Bible uses the word modest in relation to dressing, it is a word that means 'becoming' more than it means 'sack cloth from neck to ankles'. 


It means not showy and flashy. It means not dressing to draw attention to yourself about how well off you are or how much money you have. It's about not dressing or living in a certain way just because everyone else does, or it will make you look 'in' if you wear this or buy that brand.


That's the problem - it's a slippery slope. It is very easy to find yourself focusing more and more on the outward as a large portion of your value, even if it started out innocently.


And that's why I started this experiment. Not because I think it's wrong to buy clothes, but because I wanted to check my attitude. If shopping was making me focus more on the outward appearance, if it made me worry what others thought of my fashion sense, if it made me - even for short periods - consumed with my worth based on appearance - then it was something it wouldn't hurt to give up for a while!


And what is any fast but a time to refocus on what really matters - God. To remove those things that are getting in the way - like shopping and buying new things to help me feel better - so we can actually deal with the emptiness we all sometimes feel. To actually take a look at my inner-self without the layer of emotional make up.


And I actually have had much more fun with making my own looks from what I do have. I can't care if they are old or out of fashion because I have no other options, but I kind of like it that way.


So don't feel guilty if you like clothes. Not everyone needs a shopping fast. Inner beauty does not mean throwing out all your mirrors. 


But it can't hurt to take a look inside and check that you are actually working on that inner beauty, and not covering it up with all the things the world says makes us beautiful and valuable. 


You may not be so admired by people if your clothes are out of season or you don't have the right brands. You know those people in the fancy shops who you feel like are looking at you like you don't really belong there...well, they probably are thinking that. But while people will often judge our worth by what they see, God values our hearts.


I'll take what God thinks of me over what a girl in a shop thinks of me, any day.

Reformed Clay

"So I went down to the potter's house and saw him working at the potter's wheel. He was using his hands to make a pot from clay, but something went wrong with it...." (Jeremiah 18:3-4a)


Something went wrong. How many of us can look back on our lives, on the way things have turned out, on the way we have turned out, and think - something went wrong.


We feel marred, like a deformed clay pot. We can think back over the things we have done in our lives, the mistakes we've made, the people we wanted to be but somehow didn't turn into like we once dreamed.


Something went wrong. We are that clay pot.


But you know what the potter did with it? 


Well I can first tell you what he didn't do.


1. He didn't scrap it. He didn't chuck it out. He didn't say "That's ruined. Oh well, I'll just chuck it on the rubbish pile and move on to something else."


2. He didn't leave it as it was. He didn't leave it to limp through life as a substandard pot, to be looked down on and neglected because it's no good for anything.


What he did do:


"So he used that clay to make another pot the way he wanted it to be." 




In case you hadn't got it yet, you are clay. God is a potter. 


Maybe things haven't turned out the way you wanted. Maybe you aren't the person you wanted to be, you haven't reached those dreams you used to hold. Something's gone wrong.


But you are clay in the potter's hand. God can take you and reform you. He is not going to scrap you. No matter how damaged you are, you are never beyond redeeming by God. Never. You are soft clay. Clay is malleable. And you are in the hands of the master potter.


He is not going to leave you as you are. God is not going to leave you to suffer because of your mistakes, because of the way life has misshapen you and damaged you. The mistakes may be of your own doing, or the actions of others. But God is not going to leave you limping through life, not being able to live up to the purpose you were intended for.


He can take your life and reshape it. He will form it into something beautiful, something with purpose. A masterpiece. He will shape it the way he wants it.


God is the potter. You are the clay. He can take everything that feels damaged, ugly and broken, and reform it. Not just patch it up or make it 'good enough'. Reform it.


Once clay is reshaped by the master potter, there is no trace of the old, the damaged. You are a new creation. A new, beautiful masterpiece from the very hands of God, exactly as he wanted you to be.


He can do that with your life.

Being a Woman & Video Response

It's been a while since I've posted any videos. I took an extended hiatus while I mulled things over privately. I tend to do that - percolate something until I'm ready to express it again. That process of percolation can take a few days to a few years, so my blogging and vlogging tends to be erratic as a result!

But just recently a man posted a video response to one of my Being a Woman videos that I uploaded ages ago. It was quite a bizarre feeling at first, to be watching someone else talking on a video and addressing it to me. In this cyber world it's easy to feel insulated and almost forget that there are actually real people on the other end of their computers, watching me.

But I found it really touching that someone would take the time to respond. And it was also a great reminder that I'm not the first or the last person to think about these things. And it's probably also a reminder to think more of myself as in a community - a community that stretches over the world through this crazy network that is the web - and remember that I'm not just a lone girl sitting at a computer sending things into thin air.

But anyway, here is the video I posted (which I haven't watched since I posted it, because I find it hard to do without cringing!), and the response, plus the message I wrote back.



Response:


My reply and further thoughts:

Thank you - I really appreciated your video response. I am actually married already, but what prompted me to do this video was more about my own wrestling with letting a man be what God created him to be, so that I can be a woman as God created me. Because, as you said in this video, we were created differently. And so even though I am married to a godly man, I am still young, and growing up in a world that fights over the 'gender issue' - even the church is in conflict over it - this means, I, like a lot of young women, have a lot to learn. Or re-learn as the case may be, because in the past I've believed the wrong things about what being a woman is all about.

In the search for 'equality', people have started believing that we can be exactly the same. And I think that robs both men and women of the strengths they were given. So thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my video and speak on this issue. The things you said really touched my heart.

God bless!

"Macho Men", Women & War

There's been a lot about gender in the church around lately - it seems to come up somewhere on every blog I read. And people like Mark Driscoll are at the heart of it, usually copping the flak.

I've tried to reserve judgement. I don't personally know the man, and I don't want to get caught up in vitriol. But some things I have heard - right from the man's mouth on videos or in his own blog posts, have just sat badly with me.

I just happened to have two links open waiting for the videos to load. First I watched Mark Driscoll talk about real men. 60% of Christians are female. And the men are kind of female too. According to him. The real men are off doing manly things, like shooting guns.





And then I watched the trailers for Women, War & Peace and Pray the Devil Back to Hell. The 'macho men' in Africa are shooting guns too - right at women and children.

There's something terribly wrong with that picture.

I don't think the debate on gender roles in Christianity is meant to be about prescribing behaviours - men drink beer, women like baking. Men are tough 'punch you in the nose' kind of dudes, and women are meekly touching up their make up. Is that what we are really arguing over?

When Peter called Women the weaker vessels (1 Peter 3:7), he was saying "Be a man!" - but following that was no prescription for being a beer-drinking, gun-shooting, sport-watching 'dude'. In fact, he was saying "Take a look at the others in your life - do you find yourself with more physical strength than them? With more political power? Don't abuse that! Take care of them, don't let them be walked over. Be understanding." That sounds gentle to me.

 It's just common sense that on the whole, people with less physical strength and political power are often going to be women. That's not sexist. Men and women alike need to recognise it as a fact.

'Weaker' doesn't mean 'weak'. And being a strong man doesn't mean 'macho'.

We are heirs together.

Maybe instead of infighting on whether Christianity is masculine or feminine -- as if the big issue is whether wearing pink is manly -- we should be looking around us to find the people that are suffering under real gender inequality and real abuse of power and do something about that.

Girls...who run the world? Um...God.

According to Beyonce, girls rule the world. She's been singing about it for years - women taking care of themselves.

Don't get me wrong - I like Beyonce. I think she's pretty cool, and she's definitely got a lot of talent and intelligence. And You'll probably catch me singing along to 'who run this motha' with the rest of them.

But I fear Beyonce is an example of how our world view can seem right, but still be skewed from God's view.

I am glad that women are recognising that we cannot expect men to provide all the perfect love, identity, protection and security we desire. Putting the sole onus on men to be everything and the centre of our lives is unfair and misplaced - it can only lead to confusion and disappointment.

But then where do we turn. It is from ourselves that we find all these things? Do we rely on ourselves? Do we put ourselves at the centre?

I think the only outcome of that is more confusion and disappointment.

The world turns from one way to another, and another, and another. Constantly searching for just the right model for a perfect, happy, successful life. The problem with all those ways, though they may not seem bad in themselves, is that none of those ways is God.

If we put anything other than Him at the centre of our lives, then that becomes our god. And a god of our own creation is going to be just a s flawed as we are - especially because it is often ourselves that we are putting at the centre.

Beyonce is a strong woman, and I hope the influence she has over other women who need encouragement is a good one. But dont look to the world for the definition of what a woman should be. Even if it seems good, if it's not God, it leads nowhere.

I hope Christian women can remember to provide an even stronger image of life to those who are seeking. One of a loving God where all our security and identity was created and the only place it can again be restored to us. Not by rejecting men and relying on ourselves - but by putting aside ourselves and relying on God.


Colossians 3:1-4
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

A Letter to Single Women

Dear Sisters,

I want to tell you a bit about my experience with relationships, because there are so many things I wish I could have realised BEFORE I made all the mistakes and had to learn the hard way.

A lot of us have grown up believing there are just two options when it comes to finding love:

1. Either fairytales exist, and we are waiting for our Prince Charming to come and sweep us off our feet and rescue us and complete us.
   
2. Or fairytales don't exist, and we should settle for what we've got, because nothing better is coming along.

However, there are a few things wrong with those options. The first option suggests that we are waiting for someone perfect, and that once we've found them, life will be 'happily-ever-after', which is unrealistic and sets us up for disappointment.

But that doesn't mean we have to take option 2 - that suggests that we accept whatever comes along. Thinking like that encourages us to live with things that aren't good for us, or feel like we'll take anyone who shows interest in us, because maybe there's no one else.

We won't have a 'happily-ever-after' fairytale - men are not there to rescue and complete us, and life will not be perfect once you have found a man. But neither should we settle for someone who is not right for us.
My parents used to say to me, don't settle for someone who feels less than 100%. Not even 90%. I didn't really get what they meant then. How can anyone be 100% what I want from a man? Surely I have to compromise. No one is going to be perfect.

But now I see what it means - Not perfect. But perfect for us.

When I was in relationships, a few of them were completely wrong, and I knew it, but was too afraid to leave because I felt like I couldn't be alone. A few of them were almost right, but not quite. I knew this too, but didn't admit it to myself until afterwards, because I felt like there may not be better - maybe I was being to picky and should just overlook the things that weren't quite right, or weren't quite what I wanted in a relationship. I'm not talking about things like "Oh, he has brown eyes, and I want a guy with blue eyes", but things like "He's great in every other way, but he smokes." Or "We have fun together doing certain things, but he doesn't always get or accept my interests".

Often the things we see as being not quite perfect, but maybe we should just ignore it so we're not being fussy - these things often mask or represent deeper and more significant issues that we don't want to look at out. Because we're afraid. Because we don't feel like we deserve more. We don't believe there is something more.

But there is. We are so valuable that we don't need to settle for less than perfect - perfect for us. This doesn't mean that life will be happy and trouble free - we'll face problems and conflicts. The perfect person for us is sometimes even someone who makes us face some of the rough edges of our lives and personalities, so that we polish each other and encourage each other to grow.

Just don't ignore those niggling feelings. Be assured of your own self-worth and value before you even think about getting into a relationship so that you don't feel tempted to place your worth in another person.

Which brings me to the biggest problem - which is that we believe we need to pick an option. That we have to be waiting for someone. That we need a relationship.


First of all we need to find the freedom in knowing that we don't actually NEED to get married. (See 1 Corinthians 7 for Paul's discussion on this topic) Obviously if you want to have a sexual relationship and have children, then yes, marriage is part of God's plan. But I think so many of us feel the worldly pressure that if we're not in a relationship then there is something wrong with us.


That is the most important thing I wish everyone knew - you don't need a relationship to be complete and whole. In fact, if you are searching for a relationship because you don't feel complete, then you probably aren't ready for a relationship.


God, our author and creator, is the only one who can complete us. If you haven't been convinced of your worth and wholeness in Him, then you are only going to find disappointment and emptiness in relationships. I wish I had realised this before I started seeking approval, acceptance and self-worth from people. I came out the other side of relationships feeling even emptier than before.


If you realise that you don't need a relationship, then that can give you amazing freedom. Freedom to focus on God, freedom to be open to whatever he has in store for you. Freedom to want a relationship, but not have your value bound to finding one.


When you find that freedom, then you can realise there is far more than the two options we grew up believing. There is a life of fulfilment and value and substance, with or without a boyfriend or husband.

And if you still want to be in a relationship, it gives you the freedom to go into it without any baggage or burden of expectations for either of you to place on the other person.

Don't wait for man to complete you. Only God can. Don't settle and accept things you know aren't right for you. Ask God to help you guard your heart and convince you of your worth in Him first. Don't accept the lie that you need a relationship to be complete or to have a full life. So if a relationship is part of your present or future, you don't need to go into it with fear or insecure needs - you can accept the freedom God has given us to be complete in Him, and the freedom to choose!

My heart breaks for the girls I see come through my door who have no idea of how valuable and beautiful they are. My heart breaks to see them seeking to feel something from empty relationships. To see them so confused and hopeless because they can't understand why they just end up feeling more empty and less fulfilled. Because I've been where they are, and know how they feel, and don't want anyone else to make those same mistakes.


Sisters, look after eachother. Remind each other of our worth in God. Our freedom in Christ.


All my love and prayers are with you!
Love Jessie

Being A Woman...doesn't mean taking away a man's role.

(Now reuploaded since the audio got switched off.)

Right after recording this video, I got a reminder of how much I really do need to hear this message myself. That night, after recording the video in the afternoon, I found myself getting angry at my husband for what I felt was a lack of appreciation, and for a whole lot of other things until I ended up attacking him on all fronts.... before finally realising that I was doing exactly what I had been talking about in my video.

If I was feeling any distance from my husband, it was because I had pushed him that far away so many times and made it clear I wanted him at arms length because he was cramping my style. I'd made him feel like he wasn't really wanted in my life.

This made it even clearer to me how important it is for me to explore this topic - even if I'm the only one who ever watches my videos. I felt like I was under attack, and the moment I realised I was thinking lies I felt peace again.

When we're on to something, when God wants to do things in us, that's when the enemy is most likely to come in and try and set us off track. And the thing is, he often doesn't have to work very hard at it.

I imagine him coming in, mentioning to us "Remember that thing you were upset about the other day..." then sitting back, putting his feet up and laughing while he watches us self destruct.

He wants us to keep believing the lie that we are always hard done by. That submitting is being weak. That lifting the men in our lives up means we're pushing ourselves down. That to be happy, women have to be independent of men, who are only out to crush us.

We believe these things in varying degrees is so many areas of our lives, but they can be so subtle, or so ingrained that we don't notice them until God points them out for us.

I think this is such an important issue in our society. We have so many family issues but we're starting not to notice it anymore because we see it everywhere. Marriage break-up is becoming so commonplace that we are in danger of thinking of it as the norm. But what is becoming the norm is that women have distorted ideas of their self worth, distorted ideas of how to treat and be treated by men. Men have distorted ideas of what being a man means, of how to treat women, of how they expect they are going to be treated by women. We need to break the cycle.

In Christians' lives, the relationship between a man and a woman is meant to be a reflection of the relationship between the church and God, the bride of Christ.

Ephesians 5:21-33 - the passage in here used to be a standard at weddings, but something has happened in our attitudes that now it receives criticism if you choose it. We chose it at our wedding and had people question why we would choose that verse, as if it was out-dated and old fashioned. But when you look at it closely, it sums up exactly what our relationships are supposed to be between husband and wives and how closely it reflects our relationship with Jesus, so much so that it almost is hard to discern wether Paul is talking about husband/wife or Christ/church at some points. It's pretty clear, and so fundamental I feel like it should be a requirement at Christian weddings.

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

There are a lot of reasons why women shy away from even looking at their roles and what might need to change - one is fear. Fear of being let down and or not appreciated by men. Sometimes it's just plain stubborness. But when you look at it this way, 'Submit to eachother out of reverence for Christ' - we're not doing for the other person, we're doing it for God. 

Other Videos

Body Image and Self Worth (Video)

It breaks my heart to see people, especially girls, with low self-esteem and no sense of their self worth. We get so influenced by the world and what we're told is important that we start to see that as the truth and define ourselves by the worlds standards, and by comparing ourselves to other people.

The problem with those standards is that they are not real, and so never achievable. And they miss the point of what's really important.

We feel inadequate because of our looks, appearance, weight, clothes....because we've come to believe that those things are important in who we are.

Your clothes change, fashions change, beauty fades... None of these things last, and none of these things are what God really cares about.

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, ...Rather, it should be that of your inner self,
the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

1 Peter 3:3-4

If you are feeling bad about yourself as a person because of the way you look then you need to redefine what makes a person valuable and worth something.

To God you are precious! Infinitely valuable! So valuable he sent is son to die for YOU!

He didn't say - Are you too fat? Are you wearing hand me downs instead of the latest fashion? Are your eyes too close together or is your nose too big?

He said - I knew you before you were born. I knit you together in your mothers womb. I have plan and a purpose for you. I created you especially and then sent my son to die for you, because I love you!!!

You are a child of God. A precious daughter. Let God fill your heart with the assurance of your worth in him and then the outside stuff will fade away.

How can we know God's Will?

God's will is not some impossible puzzle - often we do just have to trust Him and won't be able to see everything, nor should we try to sometimes because we just trip ourselves up - but he does give us everything we need to be able to move with Him and follow his plan for our lives. He is not sending us out in a dark maze without a map or a light.

So how are we meant to find our way?

Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. Psalm 119:105

His word is our guide. But it's not much good if we don't know it, or if we don't have that relationship with God for Him to show us how to use that light! God's word is not a big, dry rule book or instruction manual. It is living, alive, like running water!

Want to know my (somewhat imperfect) analogy for the difference between knowing vs understanding God's will? Not just for women, even though I've put it in my Women series. 




Verses I used in the video:

For the word of God is LIVING and active. Hebrews 4:12 

Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of LIVING water.' John 7:37-38

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-- his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2