My surrender isn't always quiet and peaceful, hands raised in worship, tears of joy on my face. That is beautiful and lovely.
But I don't always feel quiet and peaceful inside. And I think God gets that.
Sometimes I forget that he created me and sees everything. So I try to put on a face, and say the things that are politically correct. Like, "God, I know I'm meant to be patient and at peace, and so that's what I'm going to do. Here I am, patient and at peace."
When really I'm boiling over inside. I'm a hurricane of emotions. I forget that God doesn't want my polite platitudes. He's not fooled. He can already see what's inside and he's saying "why are you trying to hold on to that all by yourself. Let it go. Give it to me."
So lately I've been consciously making the choice to say to God exactly what's on my mind, not just what I think should be on my mind. If I'm mad, I'll tell him. If I'm frustrated, I'll tell him. If I can't understand what is going on, I'll tell him. Even if I'm mad at him, even if I'm frustrated at him, even if I don't understand what he's doing. I tell him all that. He knows it anyway, do I think I'm hiding it from him?
So my surrender is sometimes loud and physical. If I'm by myself it might be outwardly like that, but mostly it's in my head, in my spirit. Sometimes to surrender I have to bash down a wall in my heart first.
God is big. He can take our little fists beating against his chest. And better that he takes it all than we let it out on someone else, or hold it all inside until we implode. And he holds on to us, so we can't hurt ourselves, and when we've let it all out we can just rest in his arms.
I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?" My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?" Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God (Psalm 42:9-11).
Peace and joy. (Romans 5:1-11)
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.